intro to ANGST

    I always picture my mind in different ways in some ways I think of my brain as a filing cabinet other times a stage but most of the time it is a maze… a very difficult maze in which I am frequently lost. But don’t worry there are directions! Very obscure directions… that are more than likely going to get you even more lost then you were in the first place… and I figure these directions look kinds like this-

    It’s somewhere between the “raging hormones”, someplace behind the “crazy thoughts” and far beyond the realms of any kind of “thinking” that I possess, that is if you can call it thinking, its defiantly in between the different “drama series” that I am forced to keep up with, and ….ummm… a few more turns a loopy loop a left and then another left at “friend problems”, if you hit “Boys” you’ve gone too far and then if you close your eyes and think really hard, there is a door and above that door is a flashing red sign saying “TEENAGE ANGST” and then there is a brief warning label next to the door about eye level that reads something like ‘Beware of annoyingness’ or ‘Keep Out: may cause craziness and suicidal thoughts’

    And now you have are at the place that I have been visiting most recently! Sorry if the directions were a little confusing or getting you lost somewhere… they get me lost too. But those directions were pretty clear; you should see the set of directions to “Good Ideas” as you can imagine I don’t get those very often.

    But anyway back to that door, which is the whole reason why you are here. You see a few days ago I woke up and thought “hey why’d I wake up” the answer was ‘well my alarm clock went off stupid’ so I rephrased the question to myself to “what was the point for me getting up” and I could not answer that.. There seemed to be no point, no point at all. No point to my insignificant, little girl life. Not a point to school or learning or books or t.v. shows. As I lay in bed for the extra little while before my mom would come in and get after me for not getting up. And thought of everything that had happened to me so far…

   Well most of my friends don’t want to be my friends anymore, no boys like me, I’m not very pretty, no real potential, very little if anything to contribute and I seem to have closed myself off to people… hmm life seems to kinda suck

          Though out the day I sat and thought and… well everything did suck.

I went home that day to cry and cry about my woes the door to that angst was wiiiiide open.

   To distract myself from this angstiness, I decided to play a card game. Solitaire. I haven’t played in a while but I used to be quite good.

I played about 30 hands… I lost every single one of them… probably cuz after hand 2 I was crying so hard I could distinguish that different numbers on the cards….

   I started crying out “I CANT EVEN PLAY CARDS!!! I’M NOT EVEN GOOD AT CARDS THERE IS NOTHING FOR ME!!!” I seemed to have placed all of everything on this computer game… and of course it was at this time that my friend came to the door to pick up his book.. [I had completely forgotten that this was going to happen] he noticed I was crying {not very hard, he would have had to have been blind and deaf not to notice} and asked me what was wrong…

                   Sooo….

I started screaming that I couldn’t even play Solitaire…

He had no idea what I was getting out… feeling slightly foolish I tried to defend myself by trying to explain how even my mind was a failure I mean a maze? What kind of sick demented person had a maze kinda brain? It doesn’t even give good directions… this failed on him too… so I just sat there..

I soon felt better cuz I knew what I was talking about and I was sure that whoever didn’t understand me must have been worse off than me… I then smiled and said [without thinking] “But its okay cuz I’m better off then you, I mean you don’t even understand what I’m saying”

          His reply was with a smile “no I do… your saying that because you can’t play a silly card game on your computer life sucks and there no point, I was merely hoping that, that wasn’t the point to your little break down”

……..well it was…. I can’t do anything right and this just proves it

After realizing he was right… I went quiet and said “I thought so, now go play your game and feel better”

I was so embarrassed I swear there were at least 4 little turtles running around, except turtles don’t really run they kinda wattle its really funny actually,

And I bet you didn’t know that a turtle actually peeed on me once,

          Huh well you just learned something new and so did I the file I have on turtles seems to be randomly place right in front of the “TEENAGE ANGST” door…

And then a turtle walked by