Singing Lunch Meats

So, one day this week while I was sitting at home trying to listen to music… the phone rang! Slightly annoyed I went to the phone, checked that caller ID and saw that it was HAM calling me… ham? Ham? As in the Lunch Meat?? Why is a lunch meat calling me? Ooo does this mean that whoever is calling is going to start singing songs to me about lunch??? :D

            Being very excited about this thought, I forgot the initial irritation of having to leave my music and distorted thoughts to answer the phone. I answered with an excited.

‘Hello?’

“hi… Mrs. S?”

‘no sorry, I’m not her’

“oh, so your Brittany?” [Brittany being the name of my older sister…]

He said this excitedly.. so I was a little down hearted thinking that the glorious songs of lunch were no for me…

‘nope, I’m Kim’

And then finding out who I was… started stuttering like a little school boy

“oooo… umm… I I I is yourrrr d da dd dad home?”

‘nope, but my mom should be home around 3:00 3:30’

“oo oo okay, I ii I’m goinnng to t tt talk about life insurance…”

‘ookay. Well you should call then, and they will be home J ‘

“o o o okay, bbb bb byeee”

‘byee’

… Being highly disappointed that there were no songs about lunch or lunch meats like his name had promised, I went back to blasting music.

About 3:00 when I was working on a paper and listening to music HAM called back, still that instant hope of listening to lunch songs I answered the phone immediately picked up :D but my great aspirations were instantly crushed by the dial tones…

This happened a few times then I got noise instead but silence when I said ‘hello?’

Finally, on the 8^th time I answered the phone I got this tinative

“h hhh heellow??”

Being very annoyed and more then frustrated I hung up the phone… not only had he interrupted my thoughts about this paper he did not sing songs about lunch to me…

                                    *later in the evening when I got home*  

HAM was sitting there. In my living room. Right there. I had just walked in from that Wednesdays activity.

            The moment I saw him: brown wavy hair, brown eyes, tall, calm voice, good posture, overall happy look to him, wedding band so married, nervous laugh when we saw me

I was hoping that he would stand and do this little dance and sing about how marvelous lunch really was, “the unappreciated meal” or something

            Much to my chagrin, he did not.

As I sat in the living room, to distracted to read my book, I started imagining all the different songs he could sing to me about lunch

    “LUUUUNCH! The meal between meals!!!” “how yummy in your tummy is a lunch that you can share a bunch” “a good lunch is a happy lunch” “a ham sandwich is the best sandwich”

            I could barely contain the mirth that I had within me thinking about these songs, as he left I told my mother about this… she laughed endlessly… and I think somehow he knew what we were giggling about as he was still on the porch and looked back at us with an embarrassed little awkward smile…

And then a turtle walked by.

intro to ANGST

    I always picture my mind in different ways in some ways I think of my brain as a filing cabinet other times a stage but most of the time it is a maze… a very difficult maze in which I am frequently lost. But don’t worry there are directions! Very obscure directions… that are more than likely going to get you even more lost then you were in the first place… and I figure these directions look kinds like this-

    It’s somewhere between the “raging hormones”, someplace behind the “crazy thoughts” and far beyond the realms of any kind of “thinking” that I possess, that is if you can call it thinking, its defiantly in between the different “drama series” that I am forced to keep up with, and ….ummm… a few more turns a loopy loop a left and then another left at “friend problems”, if you hit “Boys” you’ve gone too far and then if you close your eyes and think really hard, there is a door and above that door is a flashing red sign saying “TEENAGE ANGST” and then there is a brief warning label next to the door about eye level that reads something like ‘Beware of annoyingness’ or ‘Keep Out: may cause craziness and suicidal thoughts’

    And now you have are at the place that I have been visiting most recently! Sorry if the directions were a little confusing or getting you lost somewhere… they get me lost too. But those directions were pretty clear; you should see the set of directions to “Good Ideas” as you can imagine I don’t get those very often.

    But anyway back to that door, which is the whole reason why you are here. You see a few days ago I woke up and thought “hey why’d I wake up” the answer was ‘well my alarm clock went off stupid’ so I rephrased the question to myself to “what was the point for me getting up” and I could not answer that.. There seemed to be no point, no point at all. No point to my insignificant, little girl life. Not a point to school or learning or books or t.v. shows. As I lay in bed for the extra little while before my mom would come in and get after me for not getting up. And thought of everything that had happened to me so far…

   Well most of my friends don’t want to be my friends anymore, no boys like me, I’m not very pretty, no real potential, very little if anything to contribute and I seem to have closed myself off to people… hmm life seems to kinda suck

          Though out the day I sat and thought and… well everything did suck.

I went home that day to cry and cry about my woes the door to that angst was wiiiiide open.

   To distract myself from this angstiness, I decided to play a card game. Solitaire. I haven’t played in a while but I used to be quite good.

I played about 30 hands… I lost every single one of them… probably cuz after hand 2 I was crying so hard I could distinguish that different numbers on the cards….

   I started crying out “I CANT EVEN PLAY CARDS!!! I’M NOT EVEN GOOD AT CARDS THERE IS NOTHING FOR ME!!!” I seemed to have placed all of everything on this computer game… and of course it was at this time that my friend came to the door to pick up his book.. [I had completely forgotten that this was going to happen] he noticed I was crying {not very hard, he would have had to have been blind and deaf not to notice} and asked me what was wrong…

                   Sooo….

I started screaming that I couldn’t even play Solitaire…

He had no idea what I was getting out… feeling slightly foolish I tried to defend myself by trying to explain how even my mind was a failure I mean a maze? What kind of sick demented person had a maze kinda brain? It doesn’t even give good directions… this failed on him too… so I just sat there..

I soon felt better cuz I knew what I was talking about and I was sure that whoever didn’t understand me must have been worse off than me… I then smiled and said [without thinking] “But its okay cuz I’m better off then you, I mean you don’t even understand what I’m saying”

          His reply was with a smile “no I do… your saying that because you can’t play a silly card game on your computer life sucks and there no point, I was merely hoping that, that wasn’t the point to your little break down”

……..well it was…. I can’t do anything right and this just proves it

After realizing he was right… I went quiet and said “I thought so, now go play your game and feel better”

I was so embarrassed I swear there were at least 4 little turtles running around, except turtles don’t really run they kinda wattle its really funny actually,

And I bet you didn’t know that a turtle actually peeed on me once,

          Huh well you just learned something new and so did I the file I have on turtles seems to be randomly place right in front of the “TEENAGE ANGST” door…

And then a turtle walked by

Playing Cards

Unlike most families, who bake each other cookies, or express their love in complements, My family is very threatening...
In playing games, most families, "normal" families, Laugh, carryon and encourage each other when someone has made a good move...
MY family on the other hand, is loud, shouting, often threatening the life of the person who is winning, laugh and bring up little, generally retarded jokes that honestly make no sense, but cause cascades of laughter, howling, crying, and the beating of heads on the table.

Quite recently when my sister and brother in law were visiting we played the ultimate game in my house hold. The game that strikes fear into others, unknowing hearts, when played by us. But is the game that we all crave to play..PHILADELPHIA RUMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
                        This game includes 5 hands of torture and about 29 good 'healthy' guilt trips
as we were playing, my sister started telling a story... I cannot recall the actual story but it ends up where we are all going "gaaaaaauhhhhhhhhh" like those long necked creatures from the Black Crystal.... all of us creating a harmony with our "gaaaauhhhhhhh" I realized at that point that my family was both very strange [as if i didn't realize that before] but also that we were fairly musical, all blending together like that.... hmmm we could be that strangely musical family! Though I doubted that my brother or father would go for that...
    And after that thought had been shared with the evil older sister, it caused much more laughter

Now my brother in law, Tyler, has decided that I am a "cheater" and so whenever it was my turn or I was talking bout the game, he'd shout "its cuz you R A CHEEEEATERRRR" and I would retaliate and then the rest of them [that family of mine] would join in... And sitting across from my brother, he grabbed my leg with his and proceeded to pull me under the table... As I began to flail around trying to escape the fate of Under the Table.
          My sister, that traitor, helped the process; it was only by sheer will power that kept me from Under the Table.
And as the night progresses, my family began to revert to the usual jokes, [in which I am generally the punch line…] and the normal death threats of  “we’d better take a picture of your face so you remember what it looks like =P ” and the “OH IF YOU GO DOWN!!!!!”

And after the various squabbles and the game was finish we went left the room and watched some show and from there continued to make fun of me…
And just like that, a turtle walked by